From 15,401 Reddit Posts: You're Not a Bad Friend

I spent a week reading Reddit posts about ADHD and relationships.

What I found across 15,401 upvotes wasn’t just shared experience—it was shared pain. The same story, told thousands of different ways:

“I’m a terrible friend.”

Here’s the thing: You’re not.

The Posts That Made Me Cry

This one got 3,657 upvotes:

“Sometimes I just… forget to have friends? I was doing schoolwork the other day and looked up and realized ‘huh, I have NO friends. My partner is my only friend.’ It’s like I forgot that socializing with people is, like, something that people do.”

And this comment with 1,186 upvotes:

“Yep. Maintaining relationships is effortful & feels nearly like busywork.”

But the one that really got me?

“I went 72 hours airing my crush and he thought it was on purpose, and I feel like if I explain to him why it happened he would think it’s an excuse.”

852 people upvoted the response:

“If I read but don’t answer right away, some part of my mind checks off ‘done’ and I feel like I’ve already responded when I haven’t.”

The Universal ADHD Experience

Every single post had comments like:

“I could have written this”
“Wait, this is an ADHD thing?”
“I thought I was just a horrible person”

One person wrote:

“It feels like yesterday that I last talked with them… But you then check your communication history and realize you haven’t had a meaningful conversation in months.”

1,876 upvotes. Because we all know that feeling.

You Don’t Forget People Because You Don’t Care

Here’s what neurotypical people don’t understand:

We don’t forget to text back because we’re selfish.

We forget people exist when they’re not directly in front of us.

It’s called object permanence, and ADHD brains struggle with it. Not just for objects—for people too.

Your brain literally doesn’t hold onto the concept of “Mom exists and might want to hear from you” when Mom isn’t physically present or actively texting you.

The Shame Spiral Is Real

The pattern goes:

Realize you haven’t talked to someone in months
Feel terrible about it
Now it’s too awkward to reach out
More time passes
More shame accumulates
Eventually you just… let the friendship die

One Redditor described it perfectly:

“I haven’t replied to an important email I’m avoiding, so now I can’t reply to anything, including texts from friends… looking at unread messages fills me with dread”

3,533 upvotes. Because we’ve all been there.

What These Posts Really Show

Those 15,401 upvotes aren’t just numbers. They’re people saying:

“Me too”
“I thought I was alone”
“Thank you for putting this into words”

You’re not a bad friend.

You’re not a terrible daughter or son.

You’re not selfish or uncaring.

You have a neurodevelopmental condition that affects how your brain processes the existence of things—including people—outside your immediate environment.

The Hope Hidden in the Pain

In every thread, between the shared struggles, I found something beautiful:

People with ADHD talking about how much they DO care. How they think about their friends constantly—just at the wrong times. How when they do connect, it’s with full presence and genuine joy.

One comment stuck with me:

“I do care about them. I care so much it hurts. I just… forget they exist until something reminds me, and then I feel so guilty I can’t reach out.”

You Deserve Tools That Work With Your Brain

Not against it.

Not reminders that make you feel guilty.

Not another task on your endless list.

But gentle nudges that people who love you exist. That they think about you too. That reaching out from a place of warmth feels different than reaching out from obligation.

That’s why I’m building Spontaneity. Because those 15,401 upvotes showed me we need something different.

Something that understands us.

You’re not broken. You’re not a bad friend. You just need different tools.

Join the waitlist for Spontaneity—emotional support for ADHD relationships.

Currently accepting beta testers who know what it’s like to love deeply but forget to show it.

P.S.

To everyone who’s ever thought “I’m such a terrible friend”—you’re not.

You’re reading this, which means you care. That’s more than enough.

The right tools can help bridge the gap between caring and connecting.

You deserve that bridge.